We three dreaded it... I think Daddy did too.....Christmas Day 2011. Maybe dread is not quite the right word. Perhaps apprehension...uncertainty..... better expressed our feelings. What we found were indeed a few moments of joy, of laughter, of being together, of peace. But all were interspersed with a sadness.... a something missing.
Kate and I went to Christmas morning services. We left our significant males at home and found an often elusive moment of peace for a mother and daughter struggling to reach a meeting place in our often volatile teen/mom relationship.
As always, I saw and revelled in that look of pure excitement that only Christmas morning can bring as it was reflected in my children's faces and eyes. Their joy is always my joy at Christmas, and for last year's Christmas, that was very important.
Times shared with my sisters are always special, and last Christmas Day was no exception. Thinking our day might be easier if our setting changed, we opted not to gather in my mom and dad's home, but instead to meet at my youngest sister's, a strategically central and yet "removed" location for all involved.
We shared gifts and stories, love and support, laughter and teasing, a glass of wine, fun. But there were moments when last Christmas was everything we had worried it would be. That striking moment we three saw our daddy leave our Christmas gathering alone, lip quivering ever so slightly, to travel home alone. At that moment, everything came flooding back. The especially emphatic hug and kiss he gave each of us three before he left.... yes, it was getting easier, but not easy yet....
There were moments I will always remember. Cousins Andi and Lori had earrings made for Di, Donna, and me.....earrings designed from a strand of beads Mother often wore. There each Christmas are gifts. There are only occasionally gifts that transcend gift giving. The beautiful gesture of our precious cousins was most decidedly one that transcended.
Now, quite unbelievably really, Christmas 2012 has come and gone. Again this year there were gifts and stories, love and support, laughter and teasing, possibly more than one glass of wine. (Note to Dee...keep imbibing husband and my sisters apart as much as possible to avoid unintended and/or unwanted sharing of secrets.) In 2012, amidst a little more fun and a few fewer tears, an at least partly healed trio of daughters and a husband, their father, were finding a new path.
This year, Daddy arrived at our holiday soire' bearing fifty years of Mother's and his Christmas ornaments. Three sisters gleefully pounced on the sentimental, and some not so much so, treasures. Some were lovely. Umm....some were not. We argued over which sis had made the pretty ornaments and accused the presumed maker of the ugly ones, each sister refusing to admit creatorship, instead pointing at another. I myself remain quite convinced that all the lovingly, delicately cross stitched ornaments meticulously made with care and pride were without doubt produced by Dee. I likewise am sure that anything that involved cotton balls was undoubtedly born of Diane's artistic endeavors. All Clemson ornaments were attributed to our youngest, the rally cat of the crew. A few rather unfortunate incidents of ornament comingling had occurred in the big box, but we shall save that story for a future blog.
We had FUN! But, through our scrumptious dinner, our chatter, our gifts, our great ornament divide, it was still there. I heard it yet again in my father's voice as he said grace before our Christmas meal. As Daddy asked God to continue to be with us and to see us through another year, there it was......that same quiver......the one I had noted in his voice and lip as he left our gathering last year.
For those who experience loss, especially around the holidays, I am not quite sure any Christmas is ever the same. Nor, I suppose, should it be. We love you, Mother, and miss you still. Some things will never change. Two years....and counting.
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