Finding My Voice

I am finding my voice. For me, this is a very personal and intimate journey. You see, I have almost lost it.

I have been diagnosed with dysphonia or spastic dysphonia, a medical malfunction of the vocal cords. This affliction has been at times demoralizing and difficult for me. I have always been a person of great confidence and, many would say, of great poise. I spent a career in the world of human resources, required to speak frequently and forcefully before groups of people. Throngs of listeners, whether in the occupational circle of my colleagues or the wider expanse of varied community audiences, challenged me to be well-spoken and effective. I was.

Then came an unexpected career change and, perhaps coincidentally, an unexplained voice change. Was I affected emotionally? Maybe. I was devastated to leave a career and a company and the people that had in triumverite formed the only work life I had ever known. Was my voice affected?

Was my confidence shaken? Possibly. After twenty-five years of doing something, perhaps you begin to think no one else can do it as well as you. Perhaps when you learn that is not the case, you are taken aback. Was my voice affected?

Had I simply "used up" my voice conducting countless large group meetings without much needed magification of my voice? In an effort to be heard, had I yelled too much? Was my voice affected?

Was God punishing me for not using my potentially powerful voice for greater purpose? Maybe. Would He take that voice from me to get my attention? I just don't know. Was my voice affected?

I lost my job. I lost my beautiful and beloved niece. I even eventually lost my mom. I lost my voice. And, for awhile, I lost my way. Doctors believe it is neurological. I don't know.

What I do know is that in my pen and on my keyboard, I am finding my voice. In my writing, I am sharing the best of me. My vocals may be shaky. My written word is stronger than ever. I am a writer. I always have been. Botox injections into my throat are helping my voice. Composition is helping me communicate. I am finding my voice

I believe people are listening beyond the shakiness in my voice. I hope they are hearing my substance and my strength. Don't mistake my vocal quiver for a lack of passion or compassion. My voice may on occasion shake. My faith and my resolve will not. I will speak through my amazing children and the life lessons I am teaching them. In my new career, I will speak through clients who recognize my integrity and my dedication. I will speak through my blog. I AM finding my voice.